I don't know if I have been suppressing too much of my own pride, until at the end I am the only one suffering at a corner in silence. To the extent that my self-confidence level has been somewhat jeopardized.
And I have been feeling an increasing intensity of being unimportant and irrelevant.
Maybe, when the time comes for one to let go, one will have to. Or maybe its time to start letting go. No point hooking up for something so much, only to realize in the end that not much recognition will be given anyways.
I used to think that the dramas that we always watch on the television are merely to instill a mood of sensationalism among the audiences.
Recent events that I went through have been making me feel very surreal about all these, and maybe I have watched too many dramas so much so that my mood is affected.
And perhaps, it is really the things that have happened around me these days that triggered such thought.
To such an extent that as though I am losing a sense of belonging.
A very eventful and emotionally overwhelming week is gone, and the lethargy could somehow not be shaken off.
But my level of exhaustion, I guess, is nothing compared to all herself and her family has gone through for the past 10 months.
And it still feel very unreal to me. She is still on my MSN, Facebook, Friendster, but will never reply messages anymore. Every time I saw the photos we took, the note she wrote to me, my heart just sinks into a deep abyss.
But I am happy for her. Happy for her that she's at a better place now, with all her suffering ended. And she does not have to suffer anymore. She is now resting in eternal peace.
This is such a special week, I should retreat into some tranquility of personal wilderness.
It's been a fruitful weekend for me, although a lot of things really happened not just to me but also to many people around me. Dramas in particular are emotionally overwhelming.
I think I am getting sensitive over certain issues in particular, but then again haha maybe I should just go zen around in one corner. Gosh am I secretly yearning for some attention now. Probably I'm in some form of denial. LOL yah and I am laughing at myself now.
Something completely random: Suddenly felt like eating fried rice.
LOL before my excitement cools I MUST blog this down!
When I was in Germany, someone who frequents Thailand (Trust me, you do not want to know why) used to tell me that I look like a Thai.
In 2005 when I flew to and from Europe with Thai Airways, the crew members who served me kept initiating conversations directly in Thai!
Very interestingly, my Thai colleague in lab just told me that I actually DO have some features of a typical Thai / Thai-Chinese for that matter.
LOL maybe I should pick up the Thai language and then next time can play around under the guise of a Thai under suitable circumstances. This is so fun :D:D:D:D
For me it is a continual task. Something gargantuan on my fragile little mind. Easily affected by discouraging comments. But I think this should end it just here.
It feel great to discover that I actually still am capable of picking up so many other stuffs. It could be fun as well, but provided I now must be more disciplined in getting my long overdue personal goal nicely done.
No more excuses from now on. No more.
I live with dignity, and shall not compromise it just to achieve a particular objective.
Some time ago, someone once told me about being hurt because of pride. Recently I began to understand how it is like, and probably I am taking it a little too personally. But I have my pride.
Whatever it is, the damage has been done. Not like there's anything I can do about it anyway. Learn to deal with it perhaps? Maybe sometimes I am just overestimating myself, but I do think I could be just as capable.
LOL so to avoid all potential conflicts, I chose to be a coward and be silent. =)=)
Actually, it's not as serious as it might sound like, but my dear little guinea pig's passing yesterday have been sparking further thoughts in me about life and death apart from what has been ongoing for almost a year.
Special thanks to Sumi for cheering me up. =) Not at all through making fun of your little secret of course, and I really appreciate your concern and comfort.
According to my mother, she still squeaked as usual for food as per normal the day before. The only difference that she noticed was only that she seemed weaker than she used to be. But as far as I remembered, she already looked weak and showed signs and symptoms of ailing when I last saw her in July. (Pathetic rite, I have not seen her for 3 months and she is gone forever.)
Afterall, she has been living with us for 7 years, and according to literature (gosh, work is taking control over my use of vocabulary) a guinea pig has a maximum lifespan of 11 years. So I guess she has lived up to the mean number of years?
Sometimes I feel terribly guilty for keeping her in a cage and did not really explore other options. Especially in the last few years, after the death of her last litter of 3 babies, she has been living all alone. To me it's like, wasting her life away, only asking for food each time she is hungry. I do hope she "enjoyed our hospitality" and did not regret being part of my family.
Yet again. Every time there are important personal events on a certain weekend, there must be another family function arranged on the same day.
And since 2005, it is now the 4th time occuring. Once in 2005, once in 2006, and already twice this year.
This time?
A close friend is coming over to Singapore from KL for her convocation. She told me months ago and I have promised to bring her family around in Singapore. Then the conflict comes when a birthday party is being planned for my uncle in Melaka.
On the same weekend. Yet again.
I don't understand at all why am I continually caught in this kind of dilemma. Tests after tests of my personality? Or is it just an issue of me trying to make the whole world happy? Or probably it is just a matter of choice and balancing the relative importance of opportunity costs.
Being a libra, I think this time to be fair I have to set a principle for myself. Since I have sacrificed my personal ambitions for my family in June this year, and this time I have promised my friend first, I shall stick to the original plan and be a host in Singapore for this coming weekend. I'll buy my uncle a meal when he comes to Singapore next time, or I'll buy him something when I see him in November later on.
Or does it have anything to do with me being libra at all. LOL
Lately there's been quite a bit of drama going on in my family. Extended, that is. Sigh, some of all these are really unnecessary and looking at how things are going, it is definitely not going to be healthy in the long run.
Again another instance of helplessness here. I have been out of the picture 99% of the time, and secondly its more of the generation above, and being the third youngest member of my own generation it certainly does not even help much. Just sit and watch what happen next?
In a workshop on Monday organized by my company to instill the culture of innovation in our research work, my working personality was profiled to be thinking predominantly with my right hemisphere (think my left-handedness probably explains that too) , and very often my working direction and attitude is driven by my intuitive feelings. Or maybe in other words, emotional.
Does that explains why I tend to think a lot over certain slightest issues? Or am I just being oversensitive at times. I really don't know. When I was younger I tend to let off my emotions pretty easily, and has always been labeled in my family as being a 小气 person. Maybe I have been training myself to restrain from showing all of my feelings nowadays, somehow I tend not to show it very obviously when I feel offended over certain things, and not even to my closer friends. I might seem to not mind much about things, but deeply inside me I can keep pondering over the same issue over a period of time.
I don't know whether it is a matter of oversensitivity or my ego which has been questioned. Perhaps, I should really learn not to think too much over certain small issues.
Or perhaps, some issues that might seem very trivial to the others would actually mean a lot to me.
